Facebook Fodder: 13 Most Annoying Facebook Friends
Thirteen "friend" prototypes that I personally find annoying.
Much to my teenage son’s dismay, I erected a Facebook page of my own several years ago. Since that time, I’ve amassed hundreds of "friends”—many of whom fall under certain prototypes. And some of these prototypes, how can I say this delicately, are less than flattering.
In response, I have come up with nicknames and descriptions for 13 notable types of FB "friends" that stick out for me in more of an annoying way:
- The Grim Reapers: They are first to announce the passing of a celebrity or a tragedy that has befallen a former classmate. They seem to find sport in breaking the news. Their pronouncements project faux compassion as you can almost hear breathlessness in their written words in their race to maintain their self-appointed role of the ominous Town Crier.
- The Roosters: Every day, you can count on them to greet FB Land with some variation of “Good Morning.” Every Friday you can also count on them to say T.G.I.F.
- TMZ'ers: They’ve never met a party that they didn’t remember to have their camera at the ready. They rival Annie Liebowitz in how many photos they snap and they love to tag others, always in highly unbecoming photos.
- Human Lunesta: Everything they post is a yawn-fest. They think they are regaling you with, for instance, their go-to choice for high-fiber breakfast cereal. They share stuff that not even their mother cares about. Unfortunately for those of us subject to their drivel, they post frequently because they are under the mistaken notion that we are on the edge of our seats waiting for their next status update.
- The Swans: They were an ugly duckling in junior high but after metamorphosizing, they’re suddenly sexy and they (definitely) know it. They update their profile pic as frequently as most people blink their eyes. Their pics generate a lot of “likes” from all of the guys—who in the past, never gave them the time of day and who now, in their current states—can only dream of accessing a woman who looks like that.
- Red Crossers: They need a redirect to CaringBridge because they use FB to go into excruciating detail about all of their medical maladies. They rarely post on any other topic and would be far happier living with their people in a condo in Boca Raton (although they’ve yet to realize this.) If they currently aren’t suffering from something of their own, they resort to discussing the health of their parents, children, co-workers, pets, etc. No ailment is too benign to discuss and they often back it up with way too much information on bodily emissions.
- The Hyenas: No matter what is posted, the only thing they ever respond with is LOL or some variation of it (ROFLMAO, LMFAO, etc.)
- Creepers: They never or rarely post or respond but instead, lurk on FB and have savant-like retention on everyone else’s information. It can feel icky/stalker-ish when you encounter them in-the-flesh, and they reference a past post of yours or they seem to know far more about you than you know about them.
- The Biggest Losers: They are the fitness fanatics who gloat over the fact that they’re in superior shape to the rest of us and often brag about how hardcore they are about working out. They love to tell us things like, “Phew. In spite of the hurricane, I still managed to leave the shelter and squeeze in my 8 miles when the eye of the storm passed over.” They often will post race times or mention what class(es) they just returned from at their gym. You can count on them for bikini shots or in clothes that show off their buff bods. (Maybe I am just jealous, but personally, I’d be far more charmed if they told me less about their intense cardio routine and more about that gluttonous time a sleeve of Oreos and a bottle of pinot noir mysteriously disappeared and their workout failed to occur. Now, that would be interesting.)
- Crazy-in-Lovers: They change their relationship status more often than their underwear and fall in and out of love faster than the kings of the jungle (who’ve been known to mate up to 50 times a day, btw.)
- The Solicitors: They need constant attention but act coy in generating it. Examples of such posts include: “Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day.” Or, “I received such a nice compliment today.” They use cryptic or roundabout updates in a pathetic and transparent effort to get their “friends” to fish for more and probe further. Exhausting.
- Have-Yet-to-Cut-the-Cord-ers: Somehow they have mistaken their personal FB page for their child’s scrapbook. I’m down with proud parenting, but a little child bragging goes a long way. It’s best to save the bulk of that stuff for Grandma, who genuinely does care about Junior’s superior accolades.
- Extremists: They tend to be uber left, uber right or uber evangelical—to the point that they are uber unreasonable. They wear blinders whenever they post on FB and can only see issues from their personal prisms. They’ve been known to unfriend people who challenge their views or have disparate opinions. Their posts can be quite comical even though they certainly don't intend them to be.
I know I’ve left someone off. Who have I forgotten?